Fighting the FFC
by DragonLadie
Summary: The Surgeon's General Warning states that reading this fic will cause numbness in the extremities, loss of bladder control, and mutations of the spleen. You have been warned!


Title: Fighting the FFC  
Author: DragonLady  
Rating: Bizarre  
Spoilers: Uhhhhhhh  
Disclaimer: You know who you are, you know what you own.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
"Remind me why we're going to this, function." Adrian glanced at Sharona, shifting his shoulders nervously. "Captain Stottlemeyer insisted. He said he wouldn't hire us for another job until we attended this meeting." Adrian's eyes narrowed in confusion. "He had the strangest look on his face when he told me about it…" The car came to a sudden stop. "We're here." They were parked before a very large gray building. All around them, people were exiting cars, trucks, even dismounting from horses. While Adrian shrank into himself, Sharona took the time to examine the various individuals that passed. "Oh wow, hey, I think I know him!" Adrian looked, but by then the crowd had carried the familiar individual from sight. Sharona grabbed Adrian's arm. "Come on, I wanna see what's going on inside!" Adrian shuddered.  
  
Inside, the building consisted of a giant room, filled nearly to capacity. Literally hundreds upon hundreds of people were milling around. At the front of the room was a raised area with a podium. Before it were hundreds of metal folding chairs. A tall man in a dark suit approached the podium and tapped on the mike. "Attention, attention ladies and gentlemen, if you would kindly take your seats please." Quickly, the noise died down, end everyone found a place to sit. The man at the front straightened his jacket.   
  
"Thank you. This meeting of Characters Against Fic Writers will now come to order. For those of you new to the group, my name is Walter Skinner, I'm with the X-Files delegation. My fellow attendees are Dana Scully and Fox Mulder." He turned and raised his hand, highlighting the two individuals standing behind him. Mulder and Scully nodded to the crowd, then stepped back again. "Before we begin, I'd like to extend greetings to the newest members of our community. Sharona Fleming and Adrian Monk from the series 'Monk'." As the crowd applauded, Sharona leaned over to her boss. "Do you know what he's talking about?" Adrian shook his head, baffled. "I haven't the faintest idea."  
  
Once the applause ended, Skinner began speaking again. "Alright, now, some of you have expressed concerns over the lack of response our meetings seem to be receiving. I'd like to remind you that these things take time. However, the petition has been sent, and now, we can only wait. At this time, I would like another new member, Mr. Jonathan Archer from 'Enterprise' to approach the podium." A tall, sandy haired man stood from a group of similarly dressed individuals to walk up the steps to the stage. Mulder and Scully approached Skinner, bearing something on a tray. Skinner lifted a medal off the tray and held it up. "For continuous bravery under hostile, painful, and sometimes humiliating conditions, I would like to present you with this award…."  
  
"Kinda boring, isn't it?" Sharona startled, looking over at the man next to her. "What was that?" The man tilted back his cowboy hat. "The show, it's kinda boring." Sharona glanced at the stage where more medals were being passed out. "I guess so, I don't really understand it." The man smiled. "Name's Rick, Rick Simon." Sharona took his hand, blushing slightly. "Sharona Fleming." Rick nodded. "I remember." A younger man sitting on the opposite side of Rick leaned forward suddenly. "Rick!" He hissed under his breath. "You promised you'd pay attention this time and quit hitting on the new women!" Rick turned and gave his brother a pointed look. "Well what would you prefer A.J.? That I hit on the new women, or follow some of the latest fanfic plotlines and hit on you?" A.J.'s face paled. "Never mind, you go right ahead." Rick laughed. Suddenly applause broke out, and people began to stand. Sharona looked around. "Is it over?" Rick stood as well. "Just the boring part. Now we get to mingle." Sharona felt herself blushing again, then felt a presence at her shoulder. She turned to see Adrian standing beside her. "Oh, Mr. Simon, I'd like you to meet my boss, Adrian Monk." Rick shook Adrian's hand, then stood back, amused, as Sharona passed the smaller man a wet wipe, which he vigorously scrubbed his hand with. "Mr. Monk, I just want to say, I'm impressed at how well you've held up these last coupla weeks; you too Miss Fleming." Adrian paused his scrubbing to look up with confusion. "I'm not sure I follow."  
  
"Didn't you read the folder that was sent to you?" Adrian and Sharona looked at each other. "What folder?" Just as Rick was about to answer, A.J. grabbed his arm. "Hey, Town just called me, we gotta go, now! A new fanfic writer just put us in a threesome!" Rick nearly choked. "Oh, we gotta stop this! Look, I'll see you guys later!" Without another word, the two men dashed away. "Well that was interesting." Adrian nodded, handing Sharona back the used wipe. Without anything else to do, they began walking through the crowd, catching snippets of conversation here and there as they made their way to the table filled with appetizers.   
  
"…believe they blinded him? He's supposed to be an android…"  
  
"I hate wearing dresses, Ranger's aren't supposed to wear dresses!"  
  
"Cool it Sid, I like the dress."  
  
"Then you can wear it!"  
  
"…be honest, I don't think Blair can take much more from Xena…"  
  
Sharona glanced at Adrian, her confusion only deepening. Finally, they made it to the table. As she leaned up against it, Sharona felt eyes on her. Turning her gaze, she found two men looking at her. "Can I help you?" One man was tall, with astonishing, gravity defying hair. The other was shorter, balding, and smiling. Tall turned to Small, a grin lighting his features. "I don't know Hobbes, are we helpful?"  
  
"We are, we're very helpful. What would you like help with Ma'am?" Sharona glared at the man. "I think we'll fend for ourselves, thank you." Tall laughed. "Oooooh, shot down! What's that, fourteen in a row?"  
  
"Eight, it's eight. And I don't see you doin' too hot either my friend." Adrian approached the two men as they bantered back and forth. "Excuse me, I was wondering if you could tell me more about this meeting." Small crossed his arms. "Didn't you read the folder?" Sharona threw her arms up in annoyance. "What folder!" Tall and Small exchanged a look. "Um, perhaps we should talk outside."  
  
  
  
Outside, away from the stifling confines of the meeting hall, Sharona rolled her shoulders and glared at the two men before her. "Alright, first things first, who are you guys?" Tall glanced at Small, gesturing for him to continue. Sighing, Small spoke. "Ok, this is Darien Fawkes…"  
  
"And he's Bobby Hobbes."  
  
"Together, we make up the I-Man delegation." Fawkes bowed. Sharona looked confused. "I-Man?" Bobby glanced at his partner, then whispered loudly behind his hand. "Hey Fawkes, she doesn't know what the I-Man is." Fawkes turned to Sharona. "You don't know about I-Man?" Sharona shrugged. "She doesn't know bout I-Man." Bobby held out his hand. "Why don't you show her?"  
  
Fawkes grinned. "Now you see me…" A flood of silver washed over his body, rendering him invisible. "Now you don't!" Said his disembodied voice. Adrian cocked his head. Then he turned to Sharona, holding out his hand for her bag. "May I?" Sharona passed him her bag. "Sure." Adrian pulled out a small bottle and unscrewed the cap. Turning, he threw the contents in the last spot they'd seen Fawkes. White powder floated down, and outlined the shape of a man. Adrian smiled. "Now we do."  
  
Silver flakes chimed off Darien's body, dissolving as they hit the ground. Bobby shook his head in shame. "Not too classy my friend. I'd a moved if I were you."  
  
"Really Hobbes, you'd of moved?"  
  
"I'd a moved."  
  
"Guys, this is really entertaining, but about the folder?" Darien and Bobby turned to regard Sharona, momentarily forgetting why they were there. "Oh, right."  
  
"You wanna tell them or should I?"  
  
"Hey, this is your show Hobbes, I'm just here for the food."  
  
"Right." Hobbes straightened his jacket. "Essentially, you guys should have received a folder before the pilot episode of your series first aired. Inside the folder were a list of situations and plotlines you could expect to face as your characters began to develop and grab the interest of the FFC." Sharona's brows pulled together. "FFC?"   
  
"Fan Fic Community." Darien tapped Hobbes's shoulder. "Tell 'em about Mulder and Scully."   
  
"You leadin' this discussion, gland-boy, or am I?" Sharona held up her hand. "What about Mulder and Scully?" Hobbes sighed, crossing his arms. "Basically, every possible form of angst, romance, and torture was written about their characters. It soon became too much, and they were swallowed up by their alter-online-egos. The fic world invaded the screen world, and now it's hard to tell one from the other." Darien shook his head. "They're true martyrs." Sharona glanced at Adrian. "What else can you warn us of?"  
  
Bobby shifted his feet. "Well, uh, this is, uh, more for Adrian than for you." Adrian's head came up sharply at the sound of his name. "What?"  
  
Darien cleared his throat. "How much do you like your Captain?" Adrian shrugged. "Well, he's alright I guess. He just… why?"  
  
Bobby and Darien shared a look. Darien looked back. "Do you REALLY like him?" Sudden horror dawned on Adrian's face. "They wouldn't!" Hobbes nodded. "They would my friend. Your only hope is that the Captain has some other guy pal besides you." Sharona gasped. Lieutenant Disher!" Hope lit Adrian's face. "Do you think?"  
  
Bobby shrugged. "I'd pray if I was you."   
  
Sharona sighed, then glanced up as someone brushed past her. The meeting was over, people were clearing out of the building and departing in their various vehicles. Darien and Bobby shook hands with Adrian and Sharona, not even noticing when Sharona passed Adrian a wipe. "Well, I guess it's time to go." Hobbes leaned forward as they made their goodbyes. "Don't worry, I'll straighten it out with Skinner. You'll get your folder within the week." Sharona smiled with a little trepidation. "Thanks, I think."  
  
Darien waved, and the two men vanished into the crowd. Taking Adrian's arm, Sharona walked with him back to her car. Once inside, away from the noise and commotion, Sharona breathed out with utter weariness. Beside her, Adrian's brow was furrowed. "What is it, what's wrong?"   
  
"I was just wondering…"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"You know how Mr. Hobbes was suggesting… well about, well, the Captain…"  
  
"Yeah?"  
  
"What if that's not the only person I'd have to worry about?" Sharona started the car. "Who else is there to worry about?"  
  
Adrian opened his mouth, then closed it suddenly. "No one. You're right, let's just go home."  
  
A their car pulled away from the curb, Darien and Fawkes, along with Scully, Mulder, and Skinner, stood together solemnly.   
  
"We should have warned them." Fawkes glanced at Mulder. "I'm with Fox."  
  
"You would be." Said Hobbes with annoyance. Scully placed her hand on Mulder's shoulder. "No, Skinner's right. Now isn't the time to frighten them. Let them read the folder first." Mulder crossed his arms. "I still think you should have told them. Look, I'm the guy with a whole movement dedicated to my torture. Often at the hands of my worst enemy."  
  
Bobby rolled his eyes. "Often at the hands of my worst enemy." He mimicked snottily. "Hey, you got Cancer man and Rat boy, we got Arnaud." Skinner held up his hands. "Alright people, enough. Hobbes, even you have to admit that warning him about Biterbeck at this point would only cause meaningless panic." Bobby glared for a second, then nodded. "Yeah, ok. But I still don't like it."  
  
Before another word could be spoken, a young man with a paper in his hands dashed up. "Mr. Skinner, Mr. Skinner, I need help!" Skinner grabbed the young man's arm, staring into panicked eyes. "What is it Gary, what's wrong?"  
  
"It's the writers, they put me with," his face blanched, "Chuck!" Skinner glanced at the group around him. "Come on people, we have a man to save!"  
  
  
  
  
-End  
  
  
  
Ok, this is strange, I know. And completely different from anything I've ever written before. (I know this too). But I'm alone, it's 3:02 am, and my TV is fritzing. What's a gal to do but write something wacko?   
  
  
Characters mentioned:  
  
Darien Fawkes and Bobby Hobbes (The Invisible Man)  
  
Gary [Hobson] (Early Edition)  
  
Rick and A.J. Simon (Simon and Simon)  
  
If I missed anyone really important, Meh. 


End file.
